MR TICKLE DOES LONDON
I love London. It's such a busy place and there are just so many people to tickle. Everywhere you go, someone needs tickling and often two or three people at the same time ' it's great, but it does make me tired sometimes. Imagine how I felt when I turned up in Greenwich Park at the start of the Flora London Marathon. I've never seen so many people in my tickling life. My arms were tingling at the thought of 26 miles with all these people. I'd not met the man who was going to carry me round the course, although I'd seen him at the expo the day before. They won't learn will they? They turn up on race day never having carried me before and then moan non-stop when I get too hot and heavy. One day someone will prepare properly and we'll have a great time together'anyway I digress'
The gun went off at 9.30am but it was more than 25 minutes before we went over the start line. We started right at the back to make sure we didn't get in people's way, but after a mile or so we started to overtake. Some people don't do any training do they? How can a tickling machine like me be faster than people with real legs? The problem I've got is that I'm so wide. I've got a flag on one side and a big milk shake on the other and I keep banging into people when I try and overtake them.
If you've run London before you'll know how busy it is, especially during the first half of the race so you can imagine how many runners had strange expressions on their faces when I prodded them from behind with the straw in my milkshake. I had a couple of ugly incidents with some nice young ladies but I smooth talked them and think I pretty much got away with it.
The great thing about the London course is that there's always something to see. There are landmarks everywhere so you never get bored. The guy who was carrying me couldn't see a lot of them though because he reckons I was in his way, but I had a superb view! In the first half of the race we did a circuit of Greenwich, Blackheath and Woolwich and then headed west through Docklands, past Surrey Quays, Canada Water and Rotherhithe until we crossed the Thames at mile 12. This is a major highlight of the race and the perfect tickling opportunity. The crowds had been great up to then but Tower Bridge was unbelievable. There were people everywhere, lined up ten deep all across the bridge for about half a mile. I'd kept my arms to myself up to then, but when I saw this I couldn't help myself. So many people were calling out my name so what could I do? I just had to oblige. It took me a while to navigate that bit of the race and my 'owner' had to drag me away. I could hear small children and their parents calling after me as I headed off the half way mark, but I had to go ' I had money to raise for those good folks at CHILDREN with LEUKAEMIA.
I got a bit depressed on the next bit because all the fast people with real legs were coming towards me on the other side of the road heading back towards the finish line. They'd done 22 miles already and were only half an hour or so from the finish, but for me it was a good couple of hours until I'd see Buckingham Palace!
The next few miles were hard work, not for me especially as I was taking the applause from the crowd and loving it, but more for my escort. He was grizzling a little bit because I have an awkward piece of Velcro that I use on my neck and he kept going on that it was rubbing his forehead. I'd told him to use some Vaseline but he hadn't listened so he didn't get much sympathy from me.
At mile 20, as we exited Docklands, I knew I'd drawn blood. Everytime we passed someone I gave them a clip with my milkshake and that made his head rub on the Velcro even more ' I did feel a bit sorry for him now. Who cares - this was still great.
Mr Bump told me that Docklands used to be a bit quiet in the old days of the marathon but now it was heaving and lots of people were drinking in their gardens and shouting out to me as I ran past. I was a star and couldn't get enough of it.
As we ran along the Embankment, though, at mile 24 I was feeling the pace a bit. My arms felt like they were falling off, I'd lost the straw from my milkshake and my flag was really wobbly. Not sure where the straw went, but there were a lot of people smiling behind me.
At Big Ben, we turned down Birdcage Walk and I thought I was going to cry with the emotion of it all. My owner was sobbing but for different reasons. I was a celebrity and as I ran down The Mall I was mobbed by my fans. With one last tickling frenzy I lunged at the finish line and beat a demoralised real legs runner who tried to out sprint me!
It took one of the marshals a bit of time to get the medal over my head and with a sandwich in hand I went off to the post race reception to meet my Mr Men and Little Miss mates and the gang from CHILDREN with LEUKAEMIA who had put on a great spread in a posh building right near the finish. Once there I settled in a corner and let the day sink it with a nice glass of Chardonnay'
